Still Waiting

Saturday, July 09, 2005

sometimes i wonder real hard. what defines maturity? once again, everyone will have differing views. for me, i have not found my definition yet.

does maturity means not laughing at silly jokes and be serious all the time?

does maturity means not be childish and always brace yourself up?

does maturity means no falling of tears?

what does it mean, or does it actually mean all?

it means the correct attitude you have, or the soul deep down in a person?

so does it mean that action that defines your character, or the inner thoughts in yourself?

people naturally think that when you grow up to become an adult, you will become mature along the way. yes, this is true for most, not all. i'm sure everyone has seen some adults, still with the mindset of a child, of cos i mean the inner feelings and thoughts, but not the actions. many adults wish to go back to the past while many children cant wait to become and adult. is there a difference between maturity? maturity in this case will mean being forward looking, and not cling on to the past. is this the TRUE maturity? or is it not?

for example, one of your friend experiences some feelings that you experienced one year ago, does this mean that he/she is less mature than you?

what is the thing that measures maturity? i still couldnt find it.

hmm... my cousin came over my house to stay overnight... and we chatted la.. haha.. quite surprising that i can actually be close to a cousin.. XD

sighs.. and some things she said make me worried all over again. cant help but kept thinking of it. the first thing i thought of when i wake up is those things she told me. when i wanted to start on my work, i kept wondering again. when will this ever stop? but when it stops, it may not mean anything good. sometimes i wish i was strong enough to look away, but i know that i don't have the strength to move my head away. and i know, my feelings will not let his shadow out of my sight.

just because you said you cant be the one i'll love, doesnt mean i don't love you, and it definitely doesnt mean u can be someone who isnt you. or is that your true self? i doubt so. mood swing? beats me.

i'm tired of this guessing game. i've tired of reviewing my heart and asking the same questions over and over and over again. everything seems so endless and pointless. in the end, the ending will probably be sad once more. i can walk out of this memory, but i chose to stay.. i don't care how sad i feel anymore. i'll stay..as long as i can. no matter how bad everything gets.. i'll try to be there.

i've tried to love someone else, just silently on my part. but every night, every now and then when i'm alone or silent. the person that comes onto my mind is you. everything about you is a daily routine. you're gone, and now i have to replace you with our memories. it's tough, however, when i thought that i've actually loved you lesser, life comes along and tell me, "You can turn everyone blind to your thoughts, but because only you know exactly how you feel, you'll have to suffer alone." but i seriously don't mind suffering alone.. and it isnt suffering exactly. when i think of the happiness we once had, it'll bring a smile to my face, and let it fade form a smile to a frown in the wind.

but since i know i love you, i shant lie to myself, even though i don't speak of you anymore.

-when are you coming back? ;